How To Raise Children Who Believe In Themselves
At the beginning of each teaching year, I ask parents their wishes for their child. Some have academic goals, but most hope for their child to make friends and be happy. Isn’t that what we all want to be in life? To be happy?
As an educator, I have to wonder: Is there a formula for building happy children? Not exactly, but there are some essential foundations that will set children up for success and in turn, help them find happiness within themselves.
Angus Campbell, a psychologist from the early 1900s, researched what made people happy and he concluded that “Having a strong sense of controlling one’s life is a more dependable predictor of positive feelings of well-being than any of the objective conditions of life we have considered.” As an adult it’s hard enough for us to have control over our time, especially if we’re parents, employees, bosses, basically humans. It is even harder to control one’s time as a child. You’re being told where to go, when to go and how to do it by the adults in your life, and really at times, it’s as if you’re just along for the ride. That will make it really hard to control your time and, in theory, to become happy.
So what can we do as the child’s adults to support their happiness journey? We can help them believe in themselves and give them autonomy, but there’s a catch. We have to do it without praising them. Did your eyebrows just raise? Let me explain: we want our children to be motivated in life to strive to be the best version of themselves. To do that, they have to have the right kind of motivation. Motivation falls into two categories: intrinsic and extrinsic motivation.
Intrinsic motivation is the internal drive a child feels to complete a task because they find it interesting or enjoyable. Conversely, extrinsic motivation relies on external reinforcement, often in the form of a "good job" from an adult, or even rewards for tasks completed. While strategies involving external motivators might offer short-term gains, their long-term impact on a child’s mindset and future can be adverse.
When a child solely performs tasks for external rewards, it becomes challenging as they grow into teenagers and adults to cultivate an innate drive to excel. The dependence on external validation perpetuates a constant need for approval, steering choices based on others’ opinions. This conditioning, starting from childhood, mirrors the struggle of breaking free from people-pleasing habits. Encouraging intrinsic motivation in children sets them on a path toward lasting success and, most importantly, happiness.
Feeling guilty if you’re inclined to praise or incentivize? It’s understandable. In a world inundated with distractions like video games and social media, we often grapple with finding the right approach. Our desire for our children’s happiness sometimes leads us to shield them from failure, which, in childhood, could be counterproductive. Failure serves as a profound lesson in life. Providing children with a secure space to fail nurtures resilience, especially when coupled with an understanding of mindset—specifically, the growth and fixed mindsets.
The concept, pioneered by Carol Dweck, distinguishes between a Fixed Mindset, where individuals believe abilities are inherent, and a Growth Mindset, where intelligence and skills can be cultivated. Striving for a predominantly growth-oriented mindset in children is crucial. Why? Because a fixed mindset often shuns challenges, avoids effort, and feels threatened by others’ success, while a growth mindset embraces learning, persists through challenges, and finds inspiration in others’ achievements.
How do ensure children are more growth than fixed? It comes back to external vs. intrinsic motivation. We need to acknowledge the effort, not praise the outcome. Instead of saying, “Good job,” say, “You worked really hard to achieve that goal.” Often, when I work with new students, parents will tell me that they know their child is capable of more, but their child does the bare minimum. That’s an example of a child with a fixed mindset. If the child was working super hard and achieving a “B,” that’s one thing, but when the child is doing something that comes naturally to them without any indication of levelling up, that tells a different story. If we want our children to be happy and be the best version of themselves, regardless of what that may look like then we have to point out the effort, not the result.
In the journey of nurturing self-belief and happiness in children, our role as guides requires a thoughtful approach. Embracing intrinsic motivation, encouraging a growth mindset, and valuing effort over results are crucial. By granting autonomy, allowing room for failure, and highlighting their hard work, we pave the way for resilient, self-assured, and genuinely fulfilled individuals. This approach sets the stage for a future where children find happiness and success rooted in their belief in themselves.
